Remake Or Not To Remake, That Is The Question : The SEQUEL ( But Not As 2 Parts Have Come Inbetween Them But Shhh)

Well it's been a rather prolific few days here for me. I seem to be churning out articles left right and centre, no complaining right!!

Seriously I get moaned at for not doing anything for awhile so be thankful!!

Ahh you know I love you really! So let's knock this horror remake piece right out of the park shall we??

First things first though guys, do have a look back at the first part here, as if you haven't seen it then this will seem preeeeeeeety weird. Not really as you aint stupid but even so have a look and get caught up (there is 2 parts in between this and that, but it's mostly just information in them so it's up to you if you want to read them!).

Here.....

We.......

Go........

THE HITCHER

1986 was the year. Just like in 1975 when Jaws made you not want to go back into the water, The Hitcher made you not want to pickup somebody stood at the roadside.

Right seriously though, why would you even dream of picking up someone?? "Oh I'm lonely, I know what to do!! I'll just pick up that rather lovely looking man holding the severed head and a sign wrote on a piece of cardboard with someones blood as ink, it's ok though, he's going the same place I am. Hopefully we can share the driving and maybe play I-Spy!".

No, No, NO!!! You just wouldn't fucking do this in the real world would you? Luckily this is movie land, and anything goes!

Following a complete moron called Jim who decides to pick up said Hitcher, Hitcher decides to let Jim know that he murdered the people who were in the stranded car they've just passed. The film then turns into a bloody game of cat and mouse.

I won't lie, it's a fun film this one and like I did say, you would question why you would ever pick up some random on the side of the road. And seriously how fucking scary is Rutger Hauer?

Trailer time....

Of course a popular horror film these days can't just be consigned to history can it??

Oh no, it can't....

Right first things first, I'll come right out and say this, it's a cool poster. There we go guys said it.

Then there's the film....

Oh man, it sucks! I mean really, sort of like a 75 year old hooker with false teeth that she takes out for an extra £10!! Yes, that much, oh and I'm sorry about the mental image you no doubt have there!!

As they're "kinda wacky" at Platinum Dunes, they decided to change things up a little bit, yes guys they change the main character into a woman. Now I'm all for equal opportunities but the whole point of the original was it was man vs. man. No we're treated to man vs. screamy woman and an attempted rape.

I'm all for horror films being about the woman up against long odds and some scary guy but in those films you don't get the bad guy trying to give her one even when she says no do you?

Have a look then....



More shocking to me is the fact that some people rave about this......oh no.

Next then...a classic in the horror genre and a personal favourite of mine...

FRIDAY THE 13th

Oh yes, now we're talking! I'll be honest, the previous films we've spoke about I haven't been a big fan of the original, let alone the remake. This though, I'm a massive fan, I love how "scary" it is, how corny it is and just how plain stupid it can be but do you know what?? I wouldn't change it for the world.

Released in 1980 intending to cash in on Halloween (I won't even acknowledge the remake of this!) Friday The 13th took off and morphed into it's own monster. You show anybody a white hockey mask and I can promise you they'll say "Jason!" Comics, TV Shows, 10 films (11 if you include the crossover Freddy Vs. Jason), CD's, Computer Games, fuck even a board game for us in Blighty!! This thing got huge and quickly, not loved by the critics at all but who cares??

Here's the thing though, Friday The 13th didn't even star our "hero" Oh no, Jason didn't come to the forefront until Friday The 13th Part 2, this was all about his mother, Mrs.Voorhees!!

Yes sweet little old Mrs.Voorhees doesn't forget a grudge as the whole point of the film is her trying to avenge the death of her sweet little Jason. Poor little mutant looking bastard drowned at Camp and she took it upon herself to kill the 2 people she held accountable as they were too busy going at it! One problem then arises when some inconsiderate bastards decide to re open the Camp, and psycho bitch isn't happy about this and takes them all out one by one. Oh and Kevin Bacon is one of them haha!

Have a looksie....

Right I realise now after reading, that I may have just ruined the film for you, tough shit really!! If you didn't know that happened then I'm ashamed of you and request you go and hang your head in shame in the corner of the room, go on, GO!

For the rest of you that have stayed, how cool is trailer voice over guy in that hey??

Let's move on to.....the "reboot" as they officially called it

I'm going to admit it again, what a fucking cool poster. Maybe it isn't the one they used to market the film much but fucking hell, it rules.

Then there's the film.

Originally slated to be an "origin" story, the writers soon realised if it was an origin they couldn't have the cash cow himself involved. So they quickly mashed up the first 4 films and spat this out.

Starting with Jason actually seeing what became of his mother at the end of the original film (which remember never existed) we are fast forwarded 30 years to see Jason start killing people and kidnapping one poor lass as she looked like his Mum when she was younger....weird. Jason of course starts killing more people and yadda yadda yadda...

Trailer....



So ermm yes. I'm not sure what to say to you now.

I will let you see this though...

Told you he looked like a mutant didn't I? Did you believe me? Well I hope so, my isn't he dreamy?

I know thought if we're talking about the man you want to see him in all his overalled, hockey mask wearing goodness so here you go!

Right then I've been putting this part off... The final horror film in our look at remakes and reboots and this one riles me up more than anything else.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Yes guys, ANOES (as it shall there forth be known!) is a classic. Easily one of my favourite horror film it has everything you need.

It's scary, it's funny, it's gory, it created a true icon.

Oh yes we spoke about how Jason became a star but he pales in comparison to what Freddy became. He's a legitimate pop culture icon. You name it and Freddy's face has probably been plastered on it at one time or another!!

Back in 1984 ,following poor Nancy, a girl who has started suffering from dreams involving a boiler room, a badly burnt man who is rocking a razor sharp glove. Her friend had the same dream but in hers this guy catches her and slashes at her, luckily for her she wakes up at the right moment to find her nightie has four slashes across them. Nancy proclaims everything is ok and tries to get on with stuff. Problem is Nancy's friend dies as her boyfriend looks on and sees slashes appearing on her body as if out of thin air. Nancy soon realises that it must be the man from her dreams. Scared she refuses to sleep and does everything to stay awake but it becomes a waste of time as she is soon drawn into a battle with the man who is now known as FREDDY KRUEGER!

We are given a back story that Freddy was actually a child killer who lived on Elm St. back when Nancy and her friends were kids. Freddy is let off on a technicality by the police so the vengeful parents of Elm St. track him down to his boiler room hideout (which explains why he's there in the dreams) and they set fire to it with him inside. now of course as the film series progressed this was fleshed out more (Check out Freddy's Dead : The Final nightmare as it's explained pretty well and also explains how he came back)

Freddy who, let's be honest is pretty pissed off, decides to come back to kill the kids of Elm St. he didn't get chance to first time round as well as get revenge on the parents who killed him. This is also linked in to the rest of the series so don't worry you'll understand what's happening.

Have a gander...

Oh I didn't mention that this was pretty much Johnny Depp's first movie role (pretty iconic as well once you watch it), he also turns up as himself in Freddy's Dead which is fun!

As the film series progressed, the producers, directors and writers soon realised that Freddy was the reason people came to watch the films and played on that. It wasn't about seeing the teenagers survive, it was all about see how Freddy would kill them and his one liners (WELCOME TO PRIME TIME BITCH!).

Of course nothing good lasts forever does it?? Of course not, so in 2010 we got this

Right let's be honest, why the fuck does Freddy look like a fucking alien?? Seriously guys come on!

Secondly this was really shit. It was like God had decided one day to just shit on everything and say "There you go, that's better"....it really isn't.

Where do I start?? No really, where??

Ok how about the fact they changed Freddy from being a funny child killer (yes I know that's not good but this is a movie, it isn't real) into a sadistic paedophile after the girl he loved when she was a kid and he couldn't have his way with her.

WHAT. THE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK??!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yep seriously.....

I'm not going to sully this site even discussing this abomination anymore, they even tried to replicate the iconic twist at the end of the original, and made it look shit.

I don't want you to but here's the trailer for you to watch.




In fact after rewatching the trailer it's more apparent to me that all they wanted to do was take the iconic set pieces from the original and redo them so the kids of today can see it and go "wow that's like soooooo cool"

Yeah I'm feeling rather ashamed now, not for me guys but for them. We've just got to pray they go out of business so we don't have to suffer anymore.

I mean come on, this isn't Freddy...

No way....this IS Freddy....

See he's even smiling for you. Right I know the first one is a picture of a toy but the film is that dark you can't see him properly add in they didn't release anything promotional wise that you could see him properly. I mean Freddy was mostly in the dark in the original but that was due to the budget. Fuck in the remake they used CGI as well as prosthetics to make Freddy look like that.

I know what I'd rather have spent my money on. Add in the Robert Englund IS Freddy Krueger, it didn't matter how Jackie Earle Haley played it, he would never be Freddy, end of.

I'm not saying I'm a big Freddy fan but I actually have a signed picture of Englund in full Freddy make up and it's a prized possession. I am a geek.

So there we have it a look at the main horror remakes of the past 10 years or so, all done by Platinum Dunes. A Few classic films ruined due to people not understanding that golden rule.

If it aint broke, don't fix it.

Until next time.

Vader Out!

Remake Or Not To Remake, That Is The Question

I'm sat here pondering, the eternal thought we all have.

Well maybe not all of us, but I know it's something I think about quite a lot, is a remake always a good thing?

Lately, for some unknown reason, Hollywood feels the need to give us something we've already seen, but shown in a new light. Ahh yes, there is also the brand new thing of "rebooting" a film to bring it to a new audience.

Does it work though, that's what I know you'd like to know so let's have a look at a few from the past 10 years or so and decide together, see here at Vader Towers I know you enjoy having to think, I mean why else would you keep coming back?

What I will point out is the fact that the majority of these reboots and remakes are actually of well loved horror films, which can make things even worse for geeks like me....Enough of this though, let's get to it!

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR

So here we go on our long (!!) ardours journey together, starting with the 1979 horror film, The Amityville Horror. Based on a "true" story (hmm yeah right, ok) it follows George and Kathy Lutz as they move into a new house. Normal so far isn't it?? Oh did I mention that said house was the scene of mass murder by a dude called Ronald DeFeo Jr, who thought it was all fine and dandy to slaughter 6 members of his family, what a lovely chap.

So yes, the Lutz's move in and last a grand total of 28 days before claiming they've been terrorised by unseen forces. RIGHT, first things first sure you just realised you couldn't actually afford the place?? How about the fact that 28 days is the usual stint in rehab isn't it? Maybe somebody had a drinking problem and forgot he'd been a bit of a dick towards his family?

Alright, alright maybe I'm being cynical as I don't believe shit like this but as it's a film and it's of the horror genre I shall leave my feelings at the door and carry on. 

Anyways, yes the family have some trouble with weird voices and the such and shit themselves and leave, which lets be honest if that happened to you and me we'd do the same thing.

One thing this has going for it is a brilliant performance by James Brolin. The longer the film goes on, the worse he starts looking due to lack of sleep, and numerous murderous thoughts and weird going ons. Here's the trailer for you to have a quick look at...

I don't know what's worse over that trailer? The dodgy piano music or the even dodgier voice over.

You get an idea of the film though and the trials and tribulations you get from living in a haunted house. What's more impressive is the fact that this one story somehow managed to produce 7 sequels!!! It's ok though, the Lutz's made some money out of the whole shebang so it's all good now....hmmm

This then leads us onto the remake from 2005

Ermm....right then 2005's The Amityville Horror.....errmmm ok. So same sort of story as the original but more of a basis on time (don't ask) and a mental preacher who killed native americans in the basement (ahh so that's why it's haunted...ok)

To say that this is shit would be a disservice to actual pieces of human excrement.

George Lutz in the original was just a normal guy, what do we get in this??

Yes Ladies, and this is for you, we get Ryan Reynolds looking like a fucking male supermodel, oh how life must have been so hard for these guys.

Here's the trailer for this....

What I do want you to do right now, is to go back to the poster for the remake and make it bigger if you can (Hey, I just write this shit!) and see if you can notice something at the top of the poster, a little line that should strike fear in your heart if you're a genuine horror fan....

"FROM MICHAEL BAY, THE PRODUCER OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE"

Oh yes, this is yet another abomination from Platinum Dunes, a production company created by Michael Bay, who specialise in horror films but mostly remakes of some real classics. Don't worry I'm sure over the course of this article we'll come across this company again....in fact....

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Now this is a bonafide classic in the horror genre. Following Leatherface (he's the big fuck off dude with the chainsaw in case you didn't know!) as he hacks and slashes his way through a group of complete fucking morons. When I say morons, I actually mean complete fucking brain dead idiots!!

We also meet Leatherface's family who are just as mental, hell they let the big man wear a dress to serve dinner....so not only is he a homicidal maniac wearing a mask made of leather (or possibly human skin, I dunno) and wielding a fucking chainsaw around like it's a shopping bag but he's a transvestite as well.....weird.

I wouldn't personally say it's a scary film if I'm honest, it's good but not great, it's funny but it's not supposed to be and so on and so forth, but I think you'd enjoy it if you like horror films and haven't yet seen it. Let's be honest though, if you're a horror fan and haven't seen it you must be weird.

What makes this more special though is the fact that it must have shit a fair few people up back in 1974 as it was actually banned here in the UK by the BBFC and only allowed a proper release in 1998!! Even more funnier if you do some research about it, is the fact that the director had hoped for a PG rating in the States, imagine how he must have felt when it came back to him rated as "X", which is pretty much a bad thing if you want to make some money from your picture!! After a few cuts, he managed to get the rating down to a "R". Some naughty cinema proprietors inserted the cut scenes back in and showed the film under the "R" rating, tut tut tut!!!

Have a look at the trailer....

If you notice from the trailer and the poster, they like to let you know that it's "BASED ON A TRUE STORY". Now not to ruin your fragile little minds if you believe this but....GASP, Leatherface never ever existed!! It's actually based upon a guy called Ed Gein who was a little "unhinged" shall we say. Killed,ate people and also had a liking to skin the bodies of women and wear them like an overcoat, nice guy though!!

So no matter what really happened in the film, after the fun and games of it being banned etc it's always going to live on in infamy and I'm kind of glad it does, as it signalled the start of some "proper" horror films.

Unlucky for us, the same name signalled the start of a scary trend in Hollywood as mentioned before..

Yes guys and gals, the 2003 remake of TCM was Platinum Dunes' first stab (guffaw) at the remake.

And.

It.

Sucked.

Yes, I saw this the day it came out as I was rocking the cinema uniform at the time and it would have been rude not to at least check it out. Jesus I wish I hadn't.... A little bit of advice for you though, if you want to see a horror film at the cinema, don't bother going on a Sunday night as that's when all the married couples who've palmed the kids off on Grandma go and it's pain in the arse and they seem to sell out more!

Same story really as the original so have to give them some credit for that I guess. Obviously there's going to be a few tweaks but it doesn't make it any better, it's shit. I know there will be fans of this over the original, probably 15 year olds who haven't seen a decent horror film before and believe this to be "scary", the fools!!!! They know nothing!!!

There is one redeeming feature for this though, and boys this is just for you...

Oh yes, obviously this isn't a still from the film like The Amityville Horror one and it's a bit bigger than the Ryan Reynolds one but I run this place and if I want to put up a picture like this for the male population, I bloody well will do!!!

Trailer time!!!

Back to where I was though, the original TCM spawned a few "questionable" sequels of which I don't want to even acknowledge if I can get away with it (TCM2 is pretty much a comedy....I'm not sure if it was intended to be that way either). Luckily for the world the remake only managed to spawn one sequel, which is just as bad and we haven't been subjected to anymore since 2006 so SCORE!!!!

I will warn you all, there is plans for another TCM film, this time a direct sequel to the original and to be shot in 3D!!!!!!!

Yeah, it will suck as well.


So there we have the first part of our look at remakes, I know you're thinking "Fuck, he doesn't post anything in months, then gives us 4 posts in such a short time, and he can't be bothered finishing this one in one sitting"...Well I will tell you now I actually started writing this bad boy over a year ago and thought I'd at least try and get it started and posted so be thankful!!!!

I do promise I will finish this soon as we've got quite a few remakes to still go through, with at least another 3 just to come from Platinum Dunes!!


So until next time....

VADER OUT!