What Would Happen If I Said This....

Well helloooooooo there people!!!

Now, if you just take a quick glance to the right of this

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Wahey well done there guys, you'll notice I have a twitter feed (Tweet Tweet), so I don't really use it and have like 11 followers (maybe if some of you followed me I might start tweeting but until then, screw you haha) but if you look at the top tweet I mention a film. Well guess what??

You've got it....

PONTYPOOL

(Shit!!! I've just realised if I start tweeting again, then this post is going to become a little bit stupid!!)
 

No, I'm not talking about the little town in South Wales but a rather cool little horror film.

"Oh fuck, not more horror"....Ermm yep, sorry. Come on though have I ever really let you down? Nope didn't think so!!

Based on a book by Tony Burgess called "Pontypool Changes Everything", it's about a former shock jockey (me either), Grant Mazzy as he is trying to deal with the monotony of a boring breakfast show talking about local theatre groups and traffic reports in a quiet Canadian town.

Things soon change when the "eye in the sky" traffic reporter gets in contact with the station to let them know that something major is going down and many people are being killed. This piques Grant's interest no end much to the irk of his producer. As Grant continues to tell his listeners about what's going on as well as the team in the station trying to confirm these reports, the traffic reporter gets back in contact to let them know that the son of a well known resident is mumbling to himself and seems "infected".

The call is cut off by a transmission in French, instructing anybody to stay in doors and to refrain from any terms of endearment, phrases that conflict and basically the English language and that Pontypool is under quarantine.

What follows is a very clever (sometimes a little confusing if you're not paying attention!) little horror film which will have you talking about it for a time afterwards.

Check the trailer...

Now the question is, are they zombies? Have they had their brain's "reset" (a lá Stephen King's Cell)?

I can tell you now, it's not really explored which could be a bit of a minus point, but there is enough going on in the film to keep you thinking. I will also point out that it isn't really gory either which can sometimes make a refreshing change as I like to think that sometimes that is a bit more shocking than seeing someone's intestines being used to string a guitar you know?

So wink time...

I'm going to award Pontypool.....

3 VADER WINKS!!!

As I said, it's a good little film, not amazing as there are better horror films out there for you to digest but if you fancy seeing something that makes you think as well as give you a few little shocks then this is for you.

So there's a bit of a break from the long articles you've had lately Vaderino's, a nice basic review!!

Until next time......

Vader Out!

He Soooooo Doesn't Have A Limit.....Or Does He??!?!

Ok so, yes I know it's been a fair while but I promise you whilst my computer joined the ol' scrapyard in the sky I haven't been doing nothing.

Well almost nothing, I've errr.....

Ok, Ok you got me, I've done absolutely nothing, the weather has been absolutely fantastic here so been enjoying that but I've also spent some time catching up on a pile of disc's I needed to watch and this is the proverbial fruits of my labour!!!

Limitless

Now I'm going to admit something to you here, I love Bradley Cooper.

Ok so it's not in that man crush sort of way but there's something about him I just can't help liking, I mean I feel the same about Ryan Reynolds, but when I first saw the trailer for this I just thought....

Well I just thought....

Meh.

But then I finally sat down with and that meh mutated into something, something majestic and awesome, it turned into a....

WOW!!!!

This film is just amazing. Now we all know I'm not one to make a comment on the filming style nor anything technical like that, I pride myself on giving you the sort of review you want, no bullshit just the facts, is it shit or not, but I need to make a few comments on the whole style of this thing, but first let me tell you what it's all about.

So we follow Eddie, a struggling author from NYC, going nowhere, doing nothing and now single. A chance run in with his ex wife's brother leads Eddie to taking a drug which opens up the dormant 80% part of the brain. This leads to him finishing his book almost instantly, learning a new language or 2 whilst out on a jog and banging his landlords wife who truly hates his guts. The only problem?
Well apart from taking drugs (Remember kids, drugs are bad mmm'kay) Eddie is drawn into a lifestyle which becomes impossible to maintain without the drug, and the drug isn't legal which makes it even harder for him to get his hands on it. Throw in a Eastern European loan shark, a cold blooded killer and De Niro. The question is, what's going to kill Eddie first, circumstances or the drug?

Oooh, now that was just like reading a synopsis from Empire or Total Film hey?  

No?

You sure?

Yeah, I didn't think so! Anyways the reason I love this film so much isn't due to the fact Bradley Cooper is awesome as a total waste of space turned into a smooth slick smug rich guy, nor the fact De Niro looks like he finally cares about acting again, nor even how cool the story is.

No, its due to the film making. The film starts all grey and dreary and seems slow but the minute Eddie pops one of his special pills in, there's an explosion of colour, the whole screen brightens up as vivid colours fill the screen. the cuts become quick and sharp and some of the tracking shots are fantastic!

Ahem, anyways enough of me going all "film student" on you (which by the way I wasn't ever one, my college didn't do them so what did I do, "Theatre Studies", I thought it'd be the same, ermmm it wasn't, Chekhov isn't for me, neither is studying Stanislavsky's method, shit I forgot I was telling you something then...) this is one great piece of film making which pretty much got the director, Neil Burger (what an awesome name!!!), the Uncharted : Drake's Fortune gig. It might not seem much but if it stops Mark Wahlberg getting a job, I'm all for it!!

As always let's have a quick look at the trailer before we get down to the nitty gritty.....

So now it's time.


This is where I'm going to shock you though as I know you know what you think you know about what I know when it comes to marking this. I'm here to tell you though you don't know that I know that you know what you think you know what I know....ahem err.....


4 VADER WINKS!!!!!!


Hahahaha told you so didn't I!!! You well though I was going to be giving this 5 Winks, but as amazing as I find this film, it isn't up there in the classic section just yet, but in time no doubt when I come to re-evaluate my original scores it might just sneak in.


So there we have it, I think that is my first review in, what 2 months? Hope it was worth the wait for you guys and I need to apologise, god knows what I've done but it looks like everything has gone all double spaced on the page.....never mind.


Vader Out!!!

ARGHHHH Real Monsters?????

Gooooooooooooooooood Morning Vaderino's!!!

So, I'm sat here, I'm bored, I don't know what to watch.

Then.....It happened......

In the corner of my eye I spotted it, a film so obscure that you can't get it on DVD over here (well you can get it on import from the US)

Little Monsters

You see, as a kid we had a guy called "The Video Man" come round to the house. He rocked up in a burgundy coloured jeep and when he swung open his boot it was loaded up with crate upon crate of VHS tapes. We paid him like £5 every 2 weeks and took about 5 tapes off of him. They weren't always the new releases but most of the time they were classics and real random films, you know the type I'm talking about, the sort that the 80's was famous for! Well one day I'm sat there probably playing on my NES (yes kids a NES, one of the greatest computer console's of all time!) and the door went. My mum opened it and there he was, a bright light shining from behind his jeep and an angelic choir started to sing heralding his arrival....or maybe it was pissing it down with rain and you could hear the local kids causing trouble but still, why let it ruin a perfect image?

Anyways, one night I picked up this, and excitedly popped it into the VHS player.

I loved it. It was funny, it was scary, it was everything a weird kid like me would want.

And then I got it on DVD.

It all came about a few years back. My missus asked me what I'd like for my birthday and being a geek like myself I just said how I'd like a few DVD's that I hadn't seen for a few years. My list consisted of...

The Wizard
Mac And Me
Little Monsters

Now you see I'm a lucky guy when it comes to certain things, and finding this woman was one of them. Not only did she get me a pile of DVD's but in the middle of the pile were these 3 classics from my childhood. Now I will talk about the other 2 some other day soon but this is all about the Fred Savage classic, Little Monsters.

So back to the beginning of our story. I couldn't decide what to do today so thought, hell I'll watch Little Monsters. Let me give you a brief idea of what it's about.

The story follows Brian, a 6th grader who's family have just moved into a new house. Pretty soon strange things start happening in the house and after being told by his brother, Eric, that there are monsters who come into the house at night, Brian decides to confront the problem. This leads to Brian trapping Maurice, the monster who's been causing all the trouble. After a few chats, Brian and Maurice become friends and Maurice starts taking Brian on scare jobs, which leads to them causing trouble to a variety of kids from his school. Pretty soon though Brian learns he's slowly turning into a monster and after Eric is kidnapped by the monsters, Brian gathers together his friends and goes into the monster world to get him back.

Sounds fun I admit and as a kid it really was. Maurice was the sort of character you fell in love with instantly, he was crude and naughty and funny and as a kid, the sort of guy you wanted to be friends with.

At 25 though? Wow this film is totally different from how I remembered it! There's swearing, piss jokes and a joke about having your head blown off by a 12 gauge shotgun!! Eyes popping out of someones head!! Monsters melting!! Masturbation jokes!! Faces melted off by light!!

Not really the sort of things you' really want your kids watching. Is it? I didn't think so. I can honestly say sitting here, at 25, I'm genuinely shocked at how adult orientated this actually is. Obviously some kids films have to have something for the adults to see so they can sit through them but this was possibly one step too far, even for me.

As always here's the trailer for you;

Even looks weird doesn't it? Now as I said, it can't be bought in the UK, only as an import but if you look hard enough, you can watch it on YouTube in it's entirety. Now though, it's time for the Vader Winks.

If I was reviewing this from memory 5 years ago, it would probably have got a good solid 4 from me. Now though? Well after sitting through it again, and realising what the hell was going on, I can only give it one score...

2 VADER WINKS!!!

Maybe a little low but I can honestly say I'm quite shocked with how adult it actually is! On a bonus note though Ben Savage, who plays Brian's cute little brother Eric, is the guy from Boy Meets World, which I loved as a kid, it was a great programme!

Even more funny though is the guy who plays Maurice. Howie Mandel is his name and it may not mean much to many of us. But to some he is actually the host of America's version of Deal or No Deal!!!! He's also a judge on America's Got Talent! Just proof that even after acting in something like this, you can still make a career in entertainment.

Unlike Fred Savage. He had the world at his feet and now.....He directs TV shows.....

Oh, and he directed Daddy Day Camp...hmmm

Such a shame.


Vader Out

The First Rule Of Facebook, Don't Talk About Fac....Oh, Wrong Film...Ermmm

Maybe I just kind of mislead you with the title but, hell you're here now and it'll be worth it. So we all know about The Social Network, you know, the "Facebook" film. The thing I'm betting you don't know is the fact it wasn't the only film about Facebook released last year!

As the poster says, "The Social Network is about the origins of Facebook, while Catfish is about the consequences", and Oh Lord, will it make you think twice about logging back on.

I'm not going to ruin this one for you guys as it's the sort of film you really need to see for yourselves. All I am going to say is, Do you really know everybody on your friends list??

As the trailer shows you, it's about a couple of brothers and their friend who after getting a picture published in a newspaper, Nev (one of the brothers) receives a painting of his picture through the post. What follows is part documentary, part thriller and well part horror movie!! As it says in the trailer the last 40 mins are something else and the worst bit, it's all a "true" story. Now that I guess Vaderinos is for you to decide, but do a little looking around and see what you can find.

Winking time now and well, I loved this film when I first saw it, it was funny, interesting and most of all, it made you think, "Do I really know such and such a person?!?!".

All in all I'm going to have to give this our highest rating possible of 5 VADER WINKS!! But I've also just this second as I'm writing this, invented an award which will only be given to the highest rated films from here on in....

A VADER CERTIFIED CLASSIC!!!!

Boo Yah!! Hell yes look at what we just did there, yeah I am that brilliant!

Ahem anyways after just stroking my own ego as I've already mentioned do what you've got to but get hold of this and sit there with your jaw wide open, wondering if you know anybody like this.

Keep tuned as I'm going to have to also give you the "origin flick", I mean it's only fair surely?!?!?!

She Bit It Off With Her What?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!? No F*&%$^£! Way!!!!!!

Who honestly would have thought a film about vaginal dentata could be so crap...Oh wait......

Yes ladies and gents I've just sat through a film about a girl who's bits can bite of guy's bits...errmmm ok.

By now you should know I like to push my limits and watch some pretty weird and sick things, it's what us horror hounds do but this, it just plain sucked (there's a joke in that statement as if the dude's would have just asked about that they wouldn't be now rocking absolutely nothing down there haha!), I mean this is terrible.

I have to admit the premise made me want to see it, how could it not but my god. It follows a girl called Dawn who is in a Christian abstinence group so of course she's not gonna know what she's rocking down there really. So, yeah anyways, she falls for some fellow abstinence dude and they fight their urges but then he forces himself on her and well you can guess guys! She searches for it yadda yadda yadda, learns to use her vagina as a weapon and leaves it open for a sequel at the end with one of those knowing looks at the camera we all hate.


Wait one second, a sequel hey......TEETH 2: TOOTH DECAY!!! Shit why the hell aren't I in the movies?!?!? A question though, how the hell does she brush it??

Ahh wait who really cares, I mean what does worry me is that from looking around, it seems this has scored pretty highly with the critics, maybe they were pissed that day as it's seriously not very good. They tell me it's scary and funny...errrmmmmmm nope, sorry. It barely raised a chuckle and as for scary, well the only real scary thing I can think of is seeing some guy's cock on the floor totally dis attached from his body! The only real thing I will give this piece of crap is that the braver the lead character becomes the less annoying she is, in one weird we you do sort of egg her on.

I know you're all dying to see the trailer so here it goes....

So onto the winks, I can't honestly give this anything other than 1 VADER WINK! Not as low as I can go but please keep this in mind, if you want to watch a film about penis dismemberment watch Killer Condom, it's German, gory and very funny.

Just remember, we're The Vader Movie Files and we're always looking out for you!

The Vader Winks

What can I say, they are coming back with a vengeance....

I've seen some pretty mental things that need reviewing, so keep your eyes peeled as we're getting on it like the proverbial car bonnet....or something like that, I dunno what the kids say today!!!!


We'll be speaking soon.........very soon