Monday, 23 May 2011

If I Were A Toy.......Or A Cartoon. Hell, You Probably Raped My Childhood Too!!!

It happened again you know. There I am typing out another article and go to do something and BOOM everything gets deleted!

But this time I'm not going to let it beat me! You're still going to get the article, even if it drives me nuts!

So today, we're talking about films that are based upon toys and cartoons. The magic of the cartoons which are based upon the toys is the fact that they are just really 20-25 minute long commercials. So without messing about too much as I have already spent 45 mins on this article so let's get it on!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This was the inspirtaion for this whole article due to me actually sitting here watching it right this second! The movie is based upon the comic book, cartoon and toy line of the same name. Now being a 90's kid (well I was born in '85, but you know what I mean!) this was my generations ultimate cartoon. It had everything, turtles (which were huge at the time) and ninjas, what more could you ask for? Anyways enough of me reminiscing.....

Released in 1990 at the height of the cartoon and toy's fame, this is the first film I can genuinely remember being shocked and excited that I was going to be able to see it. You see, I was a huge turtles fan! I had it all,

The Toys

The Bed Sheets

The Wallpaper

Ok, admittedly this one is just a poster but it's the best I could find, and my wallpaper was pretty much just that design all over! Back in the day this picture was on everything, hell I even had it on a T Shirt!! This picture actually reminds me of when I was 6, I had a Turtles themed birthday party at home. I had a Leonardo birthday cake (he was my favourite and he wore blue!), out of the 10 invite 6 of us (including me) had the T Shirt I mentioned on and we had pin the tail on Leonardo's mask! Oh yeah we rocked hard that day!!

I also had countless copies of the VHS Tapes they produced at the time. I used to sit there and just watch them over and over (so glad I managed to pick up a DVD copy of these episodes!). It also happened to have the greatest theme song ever...

Oh look it's that symbol yet again. You know what, I dare you not to be singing this for the rest of the day!!

Shit sorry, I got all caught up then and forgot, we're about movies on here!

So yeah in 1990 the film came out. At the time I thought it was brilliant. It was funny and full of action and hell, we got Casey Jones!!! (If you don't know who he is, google him!!)

This is all about a crime wave sweeping through New York City. The cause of the crime wave? Shredder and his Foot Clan that's who!! Our favourite reporter April O'Neil is of course looking into all of this when she is mugged and saved by Raphael (for the uninitiated he wears the red mask!). The Turtles then get involved when Splinter is kidnapped, leading to them finally facing off against Shredder!

Of course on looking back you can see it isn't brilliant but still it's a great ride down memory lane for people of around 25+. As always here's the trailer for you...

What I did learn about this whilst researching it, was that the plot of the film was actually based upon a few issues of the original comic book whilst adding in a few elements of the cartoon series, most notably April O'Neil being a reporter and the boys wearing coloured masks (in the comic they wore red)

Of course being based on a cartoon and toy line this was one successful movie which as we all know had to spawn a sequel, well a couple in fact but we don't talk about the 3rd one nor the dodgy CGI one from 2007! This leads us to the sequel...

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze

Now this is my personal favourite in the series! This is due to the fact it was one of the only films (if not the only!) that my Gran took me to see and didn't actually fall asleep watching! It's also one where I managed to con my Gran, Mum and Dad to all take me separately to see!

The follow up to the first one only came out a year later in 1991 and was a lot more aimed at the younger generation. This was due to the first one keeping the rather dark element of the comic books. What you will notice is that the Turtles barely use their weapons, due to a lot of parents complaining about excessive use in the first film.

This focusses on the ooze which helped create the guys and Splinter. Shredder returns after (SPOILER ALERT) seemingly meeting his end in the first film (SPOILER END) and follows his quest to gain revenge on the whole gang for ruining his plan.

One of the main selling points of this film was the fact that it had a pretty good Vanilla Ice cameo and song in it (Yes, he did do more than Ice,Ice Baby you know).

So maybe it's not too good, but hey, I was 6!!! Let's have a good look at the trailer....

Sadly though as I said, they made a 3rd film which involved them being transported back in time to Japan and shows them helping a village and blah blah blah. Then there was TMNT which I mentioned earlier and again this sucks!

In better news though there is a new live action Turtles film arriving in 2012 which is to be produced by Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes company (the guys who brought us remakes of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre etc) Nothing much has been mentioned about it apart from a single image that was anonymously sent out to movie sites

Not as "cute" as previous incarnations but it looks like they might be trying to go back to how they were originally created, ugly human like turtles that kick ass!

Next on our list is....

G.I Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

Oh my Lord did this suck. Yet again based upon a cartoon and toy line, this

Maybe it's because I wasn't really a fan of it growing up, I'm not sure really but even still anything that puts Channing Tatum front and centre can't be good. This follows a rather redundant story line about some nano filled missiles and an evil group led by said missile designer and a covert group of heroes sent out to regain said missile. Yeah as you can see I have no interest in it at all!
A trailer....

What's more shocking is the fact that the animated movie is 1000 times better than this will ever be and that involved a race of snake people!!

One question I will give you though, which has more acting ability?


 I'll give you a hint, it isn't the human!

Another film based upon the cartoon which again was based on the toy line is....


Right you'll have to forgive me right now as I'm a massive fan of Transformers so my judgement may be a little clouded, but unlike some sites *AICN ahem* I'll be as impartial as possible plus I don't get bought by free stuff, yeah Knowles we're looking at you!!

So after years and years of whispers and waiting we were finally presented in 2007 with a proper live action version of TF! I won't lie, I was dying to see this when it came out. Was I disappointed? Yes and No. You can't imagine how awesome it was to finally see something you'd spent your life watching and playing with finally being realised on the big screen. Yes there had already been a TF movie (we'll get to that!) but this was LIVE ACTION for Christ's sake! Massive robots tearing up shit? YES PLEASE!!!!

Ok, so the story has a lot left to be desired, it follows Sam buying his first car, who turns out to be an Autobot. Sam's ancestor had discovered Megatron trapped in the Arctic and Megatron had lasered the whereabouts of the "All Spark" onto the guys glasses. The Decepticons need the "All Spark" to regenerate etc and it's up to the Autobots to stop them. Yeah sounds interesting, I think not. But the ace in the sleeve for this film?

NOOOOOOOO not Megan Fox!! Although she helps...This guy....

Ok, so maybe he isn't the greatest director who ever lived, but this guy can make beans on toast explosive! Renowned for using excessive explosions and action set pieces, was there anyone else they could have got to make this work? Oh did I mention that Steven Spielberg produces? Robots + Those guys = WIN! 

Of course, when you give the people what they've wanted for years. what's the next logical step? Yep, sequel..

Transformers : Revenge Of The Fallen

Oh man, talk about ruining a good thing. Not only do we turn up the action to 11, but we also thrown in a poor version of a lot of peoples favourite TF (Soundwave I'm looking at you) but we also have some poor toilet humour (Robots have testicles don't you know) and a mild case of racial stereotyping (hello to The Twins)
This follows how TF's had been to earth 1000's of years ago and the pyramids are actually built around a machine made to destroy the sun......errrr ok...... Said Fallen is a bad guy who can only be beaten by a "Prime" but Oh NOOOOOO!!! Optimus Prime gets killed half way through this (Yeah I'm not giving out a Spoiler for that as it's been done before!), so what are we to do?!?!?!

As with most films these days, we will be treated to a third instalment this summer of which I posted a trailer here. Of course this (as G.I. Joe) had a very popular animated movie in the 80's to contend with.

Now that was a film!! It was good fun, it was Orson Welles last credit and Optimus Prime actually dies!! G.I. Joe was supposed to go the same way with Duke dying but since the backlash to OP dying was so big they had to change the ending!! This is also rather popular due to the songs that were in it.

Stan Bush, we salute you.....

I can also tell you now, the toys are still impossible to do and I'm 26 this year. My folks got me Optimus Prime last Christmas as a joke and then took great delight in me screaming abuse at it on Christmas Day as it was getting the better of me, Damn you Prime, Damn you to HELL!!

The last film on our list today is....

Masters Of The Universe

Oh no. I don't think there's much I could add to this! I mean we should all know the story about how Prince Adam can turn into He-Man and fight Skeletor, right? Can someone explain to me why in this he uses a gun and comes to earth? No? Didn't think so!

This is so bad that no doubt one day we will all look upon it as being a guilty pleasure, not me though! This is shit to the highest degree, end of! There has been talk about a remake/reboot of this one day, my God I hope so!

 Oh look another action figure with more acting skill than the actor who played the character!

So there we have it.....or do we........


Ok so maybe these haven't been made into a movie yet but we can hope!


Now this is another huge part of my childhood, I loved everything about this. For years there's been talk about a movie version but alas nothing has come to fruition...... Yet. What has been released not so long back though was the CGI tests for a movie version that was cancelled....sad face time.

How brilliant could that have been? Shame we'll never probably get to see that really. What we can have is a BRAND NEW series though which should be hitting the UK sometime this year!

But lets just spend a few minutes reminiscing....


How warm and fuzzy do you feel right now?

Lion-O We Salute You!!!!


Now if there was ever a call to get a film made of a property, this is it! A film about guys and gals who have special masks and have vehicles that can change into helicopters, and planes etc?? YES PLEASE! Hollywood, get this made now!!!

I mean how could you not want to see this?? And just to get my hands on the toys again....Ooooh I can't wait!
Yes please, that reminds me actually, some bastard stole my Rhino (the purple truck), I will find you one day!!!

So there we have it yet another article for you to hopefully enjoy. I know I seriously enjoyed writing this one as it gave me ample opportunity to have a stroll down memory lane, and nothing can be better than that! It also helped me to remember what an awesome childhood I had and I was seriously lucky to have lived through such a brilliant time in terms of toys, animation and family!

So as always take care of yourselves and remember, Vader loves you.

Vaderinos, I bid you farewell.

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