All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy PART II

I did say didn't I? I promised I'd be back so...


HERE'SSSSSSSSSS JOHNNNNNYYYYYYYYYY!

These Shining jokes just write themselves you know.

Last time we were together I told you all about Stephen King's works being adapted for the big screen and I purposely left a few of the bigger ones off, and now you're going to find out why!

I present to you, my loyal Vaderino's...

STEPHEN KING'S DOLLAR DEALS/DOLLAR BABIES

I agree it does sound weird but there is a reason behind it and now I'm going to be sharing it with you all. you lucky so and so's!

The term "Dollar Deals" and "Dollar Babies" was a term coined (guffaw I'm so funny) by King to explain how he sells his permission to adapt one of his short stories to a group of students/ aspiring film-makers/ theatre producers. His fee?? Yep if you hadn't already guessed it's $1!!! Who'd have thunk that hey? Well depending the title of this part has dollar referenced twice.....

Aaaaaannnyyyyyways, the terms of the deal state that the films can't be exhibited commercially without King's explicit approval. The deal includes if you do adapt one of his short stories, King likes them to be sent directly to him, he'd watch them then place them upon his "Dollar Baby Shelf".

With using this sort of deal, King can retain all rights to his property, he just gives exclusive permission to the film-maker to make their own non-commercial adaptation.

Well of course there has been a few exceptions to this rule as a company called "Granite Entertainment Group Interglobe Home Video" (Fuck is that a mouthful!), negotiated and purchased the rights to commercially release a select few on VHS in 1986. These shorts being, "The Woman In The Room", "The Boogyman" and "Disciples Of The Crow". This collection came to be known as "Stephen King's Night Shift Collection".

From 1977 thru to 1996 the known Dollar Babies are -

The Boogyman - Jeffrey C. Schiro.
Disciples Of The Corn - John Woodward.
The Woman In The Room - Frank Darabont.
Srajenie (The Battle) - Mikhail Titov.
The Last Rung Of The Ladder - James Cole and Dan Thron.
The Lawnmower Man - James Gonis.
Here There Be Tygers - Guy Maddin (never produced).
The Sun Dog - Unknown.
The Man Who Loved Flowers - Andrew Newman.

Now, just because you've managed to snag the rights to adapt a version of King's work doesn't automatically mean you'll do anything in film, tell you what as I'm so nice, let's have a look what these guys have done.

Jeffrey C. Schiro became a editor, mostly on TV Shows and a few TV Movie's. He did thought, direct a story for the "Tales From The Darkside" TV Series.

John Woodward did nothing of note really when you take a look at his IMDb. 3 films directed in total, 1983, 1990, 200 so I'm going to say he's pretty much due one soon, wouldn't you?

As for Mikhail Titov, there's not much information about for him, there is someone on IMDb who has the same name, can't be that many of them knocking about can there? This person on IMDb has worked in films, mostly animation so I'd say this could possible be him.

Daniel Thron seems to have done really well for himself to be honest with you. Working in visual effects on films such as Zodiac, G.I Joe (ugh), The A-Team, Tron Legacy and Transformers : Dark Of The Moon. his directing partner James Cole has done.......fuck all!!

James Gonis only did the one thing which was his Dollar Baby, we weep for you poor man.

Guy Maddin seems to have had a pretty successful career making 41(!!) films as a director, none of which I have ever heard of...but still 41!!!!

Andrew Newman is more of a producer these days, working on British TV on shows like, Peep Show, Fresh Meat and Pete Versus Life. He was also a writer on "Da Ali G Show", so you can pretty much blame him!

Now if you hadn't already noticed, but I've missed someone of this list, by far the most successful of all the "Dollar Babies".

Frank Darabont

Now this guy has definitely made a living out of working on Stephen King adaptations.

The Shawshank Redemption : The Greatest Movie Of All Time™ was actually Darabont's first stab at directing a feature film, talk about the only way being down after that! Next up was his version of The Green Mile, which is almost always on everyone's top 5 or top 10 lists of films. Lastly he also directed The Mist, which although it's about interdimensional beasts attacking a supermarket, is a brilliant film with easily one of the most bleak endings ever (I defy you to not cry!). Also if you do get the chance, please do try to see it in black and white as Darabont originally intended, it hits even harder.

Currently, 96 Dollar Babies have been made and 90% will probably never be seen by public eyes, commercially at least, but you never know, stranger things have happened and we may just end up with another Frank Darabont through this.

Have a look at the trailers for The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist.

Vader Out.........

All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy...

Yes, it's me, yet again!! I really don't know what is up with me at the minute! I'm feeling it, shall we say!!

So now I've decided to talk to you about one of my favourite authors, Mr. Stephen King.

I love this guy, his books and short stories are a genuinely good read (Yes I don't just watch movie's you know, I can read!!) and I can honestly say I've never read a bad thing that he's created in that warped mind of his!

Not counting any adaptations for a TV movie or series, the guy has had 35, yes 35 of his works turned into a feature film, and I'm not even counting the one stand alone screenplay he created there! That's pretty impressive if you ask me, I can't honestly think of any one author who can even come close to that number, can you? I didn't think so guys, this man is something else. What's more impressive is the fact they're not all horror films as a lot of non King fans might have you think. There's even a few shocks as to what he has actually created thrown in for good measure!

I know what you're thinking, "shit, not another list!" but this one is worth it, trust me!

I'll give you a little legend as well so you know what I mean

* is a based on a short story.
+ is based on a novella
- is an original screenplay.

Carrie
The Shining
Creepshow *
Cujo
The Dead Zone
Christine
Children Of The Corn *
Firestarter
Cat's Eye *
Silver Bullet +
Maximum Overdrive *
Stand By Me +
The Running Man
Pet Semetary
Graveyard Shift *
Misery
Tales From The Darkside * (Cat From Hell)
Sleepwalkers -
The Lawnmower Man *
The Dark Half
Needful Things
The Shawshank Redemption +
The Mangler *
Dolores Claiborne
Thinner
The Night Flier *
Apt Pupil +
The Green Mile
Hearts In Atlantis +
Dreamcatcher
Secret Window +
Riding The Bullet *
1408 *
The Mist +
No Smoking * ( A Bollywood film based upon Quitters Inc.)
Dolan's Cadillac *No come on, that is one mightily impressive list there don't ya think? Now I know some of you will be thinking where is "IT". Well people, "IT" was actually a miniseries developed for TV that was then released in"film form", so it doesn't actually count! We've also got some "Made For TV" movie's like "Sometimes They Come Back" and "Storm Of The Century".

So the plan is now to pick a couple out and do a quick review on them so you get your pictures and trailers, how nice am I to you hey?

What you will notice is that I'll be missing two of his most successful adaptations out as I have another article where they will be coming up in it.

So first up is.....

THE SHINING

Directed by the master known as Stanley Kubrick, this is a favourite of a lot of horror buffs such as myself.

Well apart from the main guy himself, Stephen King. He despised this adaptation so much so that he created his own version for TV back in 1997. The only way he could get it made was if he agreed to stop slagging of Kubrick, so that gives you an idea of how he felt about it!

Following Jack Torrance (an awesome Jack Nicholson) as he takes his family to a hotel where he'll be the winter caretaker so he can work on his writing, the isolation of the hotel and some very dodgy goings on leads to Jack slowly losing his mind and deciding to kill his family for something to do. Add in his son has also got some telepathic ability it makes for some fun and games.

Well not really if you can't a hallway full of blood, some scary dead twins and an ugly naked ghost, but meh that doesn't matter.

King felt that Kubrick took too many liberties with his novel and made it public he wasn't a fan. By all means search it out yourself and you be the judge. I personally like the film but I do love the novel more, I guess I have a good imagination as I could picture everything King wrote and when I saw Kubrick's version it wasn't how I envisioned it, but that's just my personal opinion.

Here's the trailer...

Ok so I know it doesn't say much but trust me give it a go, you'll be impressed.

Next up is...

MISERY

Now this is a film I only finally got to see a few years back. It was well worth the wait. A dark psychological horror it shows what happens when someone gets a bit too excited and starts to believe that what somebody writes in a novel is the truth (you people take note over what I write ok and don't go mental on me!)

James Caan plays Paul Sheldon, a famed author who decides to kill off his most famous character. Travelling up to the cabin he uses to write his novels, he starts working on a new unrelated story. On his way back west he hits a blizzard and crashes. Awakening with 2 broken legs and a dislocated shoulder, Paul is totally bedridden but luckily for him, his "number one fan" Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) came across him and nurses him. One main problem though, Annie adores Paul's Misery books and on purchasing his latest, finds out that Misery has been killed off and goes a little bit....crazy shall we say? What follows is a taut scary ride as Paul realises nobody knows where he is and Annie has previous for killing people.

Oh I will say keep an eye out for the sledgehammer scene and tell me you don't wince or look away, even I had to at one point!!

Have a look....

Last but certainly not least is a classic coming of age tale that a lot of people honestly don't realise is a Stephen King story

STAND BY ME

Yes, Stand By Me is based on a novella by Stephen King, told you it wasn't just horror didn't I?!

This film goes onto a lot of people's favourite lists due to it being a great film with some amazing acting by the likes of River Phoenix, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Feldman and Jerry O'Connell.

The story is about a group of 4 boys who hear that there is a dead body just out of town, so we follow them on their journey to not only find the body but find themselves.

Yes I know it sounded so clichéd, fuck even I knew it was when I wrote it but honestly it's the truth. I adore this film and I demand you see it. That is all.




So there we have it, a quick look at the best adaptations in my opinion of Stephen King's works. Like I said I've purposely left out a few as there's something special coming up in the next few days that will possibly explain as to why King's works are used so much.

So until Part 2...

This is Vader signing out.

All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy All Work And No Play Makes Vader A Dull Boy


Sorry....that's one poor joke there!

Remake Or Not To Remake, That Is The Question....THE REMAKE!!

I don't know what is up with me today but here I go again with yet another post....

Maybe I'm ill, maybe I'm bored, maybe I'm just lonely (aww) Ahem anyways.....

Last night I was sat here and I was thinking as to how to do the next part of this article and I started researching remakes and started making a few notes...

There have been 100's and 100's of remakes, the majority being horror films (which I'll touch mostly upon in the next part) and foreign. A lot of films have been remade more than once as well which makes you realise that it isn't just a recent thing in general.

For your consideration thought guys, I've picked out 78 that have been remade and I'm going to list them here for you with the years they were originally made and then remade.

Apologies for lack of visual stimulation for now and if it might seem boring but it needs to be done.

OCEANS 11 - 1960 + 2001
THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR - 1968 + 1999
THE ITALIAN JOB - 1969 + 2003
SCARFACE - 1932 + 1983
FUNNY GAMES - 1997 + 2008
ALFIE - 1966 + 2004
ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD - 1951 + 1994
APRIL FOOL'S DAY - 1981 + 2001
ARTHUR - 1981 + 2011
ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 - 1976 + 2005
BAD NEWS BEARS - 1976 + 2005
BLACK CHRISTMAS - 1974 + 2006

VADER.....GET THE TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok guys, it's only me again, and this time I've brought an even more ambiguous title with me...

So last night was Saturday night and being the popular, cool guy that I am...I was at home. Yes ladies and gents I have nothing better to be doing with my life at the moment and I'm single. What a surprise I hear you say (fuck you by the way!) so I don't go to the cinema as much to see anything new hence the abundance of old films being reviewed and talked about.

Oh, I am taking applications though, you have to be female, 21+, normal and not smell, that's all I ask... emails to here please (do enclose a picture as I don't want you to be some sort of hideous CHUD do I? By all means if you choose to be naked or in a state of undress, all the better!)

Alright so maybe I'm joking there (or am I??)

Now, as you should now hopefully know, my name doesn't come from Star Wars, as personally I can't stand them. Blasphemous?? Possibly, but I just don't get the little cheap thrills over them that so many geeks do, sorry.

Oh yeah, right my name. So errmm yeah, Vader doesn't come from Darth but rather from The Big Van Vader. Now, I know the majority of you will be sat there looking at that and thinking, "WHO??"

Well let me tell you now, the guy was a beast, a complete fucking monster, see....



So yeah, this is where the nickname comes from, I don't know either....Maybe I have to have a few chats with my mates over why they called me this as I don't look like that....hmmm

I know it seems I'm going on, but there is a reason behind all of this....

WRESTLING!!!

Yes, I'm not afraid to admit it, I grew up a fan....and I wonder why I'm now single hey?!? So, over the years, I've submitted (haha see what I did there...no? oh ok) myself to some rather shocking films based on the "sport" (David Arquette, I'm looking at you here buddy, not only did you somehow get WCW involved  with you but you made fucking "Ready To Rumble", I'm so glad Courtney left you!)

Luckily for us fans, news broke around 2006, that Darren Aronofsky was preparing a film based on the story of a washed up wrestler. Hell, he even had a Vader hero in Nic Cage lined up to play the lead. 'Ol Nic even went as far as going to a few Ring Of Honour shows to research his part.

Soon thought, Nic dropped out, luckily for us though, Aronofsky;s original choice was available and interested.

Ladies and Gentlemen....I introduce to you.....................

THE WRESTLER

Oh yes, the unhinged one himself, Mickey Rourke was the choice. Rourke, a trained boxer (who gave up a promising film career to do it professionally!) scoffed at the thought of playing a wrestler, someone who "pretended" to fight. He then threw himself into the role, training hard and he quickly learnt to respect the men and women who have been putting their bodies on the line for years.

So anyways, the film. Mickey plays Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a fading wrestling superstar from the 80's who's attempting to cling onto his stardom by punishing his body to the joy of around 25 people packed into a high school gym.

Randy pushed himself too far trying to earn the adulation of the fans by putting his body through hell whilst pumping himself full of steroids. Of course this leads to The Ram suffering from a heart attack.

Coming to the realisation that his career, his livelihood, hell even his life is pretty much over, Randy attempts to integrate himself into "normal life", by trying to earn his estranged daughter's love and hoping his love for an over the hill stripper will be reciprocated.

One problem, Randy is offered one last match against his arch rival from his heyday, Does Randy carry on living his boring quiet existence that his body wants and craves, or does he risk killing himself just so he can be under those lights and have the fans screaming his name, one last time?

Ok, Ok I know, it's pretty much like 99% of every sports film you've ever seen, but I can say this is something else. It's one of the best films I've ever actually seen, let alone the best film based on a "fake sport". It's beautiful, haunting and there is a reason as to why Rourke was up for an Oscar!

The fact of the matter is thought, if you've watched the "sport" for as long as I have and have heard half of the stories that make the rounds, this could be literally any one of the legends and former heroes you idolised in the 80's. Those guys striving to still be the main guy, the main attraction, the superstar, the man, and that in turn is so sad. It says something when a bonafide legend of the ring, Rowdy Roddy Piper reportedly broke down whilst watching the film declaring that it could be a true story.

Before we get to the good stuff, here's your favourite thing...





 SCORE TIME BABY!!

Let's be perfectly honest here shall we? There's only one way that this can be going after I've just waxed lyrically (oooh) over this for the past god knows how long it's taken you to read it...

5 VADER WINKS
And
A VADER CLASSIC

I do seem to be throwing out a lot of "5 winkers" (is that even a word?) lately but when something is this good....

If you do get the chance, please do see this film, regardless of whether you're a wrestling fan or not.

You will look upon the "sport" in a different light, and you'll be understanding why Randy should be awarded a place not only on your DVD shelf but also in you Hall Of Fame.

Vader Out...

Just Tap It In, Just Tap It In, Give It A Little Tappy, Tap Tap Taparoo

If you couldn't tell from the title, I'm one of a rare breed. I actually have a problem that I need to address and there's no better place to do such a thing than over the internet in front of faceless people who I don't know and can't judge me.

My name is Vader, and I am a.....

ADAM SANDLER FAN!!

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

I honestly can't help it though, for some unknown reason the guy has a direct line to my funny bone. I should really be ashamed, but I'm not!

Now that we've got this shocking news out there, it's only fair if I drag you (not physically as well, you're reading this on the internet and I can't touch you nor see you....or can I?? Muhahah see what I did there? I just broke the 4th wall!! Ok maybe I didn't seen as this isn't a film or TV show but still, I'm secretly watching you, by the way....nice hair!) through a selection of his films and just try to show you why I'm a fan.

You ready then?? No?? Tough shit we're going in....

AIRHEADS

Well then, he might not be the main star in this fun little film but he's there on the poster so that right away makes him very important! playing a braindead drummer in a rock band, who take a radio station hostage with water pistols just so they can get their demo heard. It might sound stupid, well it is but it's actually a lot of fun, plus you get to see the face that goes with Fat Tony's voice from The Simpsons! Also the fact it stars Brendan Fraser and Steve Buscemi gives you an idea that it might not be that bad....no?? Oh ok... Have a look.

Next up is a funny film that I guess could be the reason a lot of people don't actually like the guy...

BILLY MADISON

Right then what's better than an adult playing a man child?? Nope didn't think you could find anything better, see trust me Vaderino's! I won't lie his voice can get on your nerves in this but it doesn't stop it being funny. Following Billy as he goes back through the school system so he can finally graduate and then take over his Dad's hotel business before his Father's evil second in command can. Have a look....

One thing that does come apparent during the film is Billy might have a slight drinking/substance abuse problem as he...well he see's penguins...random I know but can't honestly think of anything better to see can you? a 6 foot penguin that you think is after your girlfriend.....damn

Did I mention that this also stars Bridgette Wilson, who later became Mrs. Pete Sampras?

Damn he served a right ACE with this one...haha did you see what I did there?? Yeah, I'm so sorry too....




Ahem anyways let's move on shall we...Ahh yes my favourite Sandler movie...

HAPPY GILMORE

Now, I'm not even going to pretend that I either, like golf nor understand it. I find it tedious and boring as hell but when you end up with a complete nutcase with anger problems playing the sport, how can you not love it?

We follow Sandler as he plays Happy Gilmore, a waste of space in life who find out he has quite the knack for smashing a golf ball 400+ yards (apparently this is unheard of?? I dunno either!) he ends up getting onto the pro tour with the hope he can make enough money just to buy back his Grandma's house.

I can honestly say, I can recite this film, line for line. Did I mention...

My name is Vader and I am a geek.

Might as well get it all out of the system hadn't we? Ok have a look....

Even sat here re-watching the trailer I can't help but laugh. I must watch this at least once a month, it's the perfect film to pop on when there's nothing on or you're feeling a bit shit about everything, never fails to put me in a good mood! Oh oh oh story time....I actually bought this for £3 on VHS from Music Zone (R.I.P).....You are all welcome for me sharing that!

Let's move on....

THE WATERBOY

I will come right out and say it, I love American Football. Yes, I do understand it, I get the rules and what not and yes I did stay up and watch the Super Bowl as well as usually staying up to watch a game every other week when the season is on. I just love it and I equally love movie's based on the sport and this one is right up there for me.

Alright so maybe it isn't on the same level as things such as Remember The Titans and Friday Night Lights but it makes me laugh so there!!

Playing a socially awkward "water boy" under the rule of a pushy mother who won't let him do anything in his life and everything that's any good is "The Devil", Sandler shows that we can all find something we're good at....

Aww fuck why should I make this sound better, he's a bit "special" and finds out he can tackle the fuck out of people! It's funny and it's fun seeing people get smashed all over the place!!

Now I know that at least some of you will be fans of the man, fuck, his films make enough money, so there's definitely more than just me who's a fan!

You fans obviously by now, or at least I hope you would have noticed that I've left out a fair few of his "bigger works", and I'll explain why. I will just say that I'm only really talking about Sandler's full, balls out comedy films as his dramatic roles are few and far between and I would suggest you should check them out as, if you're not a fan,  you would be by the end.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here as it's taken you long enough to get to this point, so I'm going to give you a quick explanation as to why these haven't been included....

The Wedding Singer : 80's Shit.
Big Daddy : Parent Shit.
Little Nicky : Really Shit.
Mr.Deeds : Boring Shit.
Anger Management : Angry Shit.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry : Homophobic Shit. **
You Don't Mess With The Zohan : Racist Shit.
Bedtime Stories : Disney Shit.
Funny People : Unfunny Shit.
Jack And Jill : Won't Even Watch This Shit.

(** Not really but couldn't find anything funny to explain how shit I think it is!)

Alright, maybe I am being a little bit too harsh here as a few of these do have a couple of redeeming features....but you're not going to be finding them here!!

So, maybe on reflection, I haven't painted the guy in too good a light. Come to think about it, for about 90% of his whole body of work he's played exactly the same character, ANGRY SHOUTY ADAM!!!!! It's only really his later work that he'd toned it down a bit (50 First Dates, Click, Grown Up's, Just Go With It....and yes I do enjoy those!)

Maybe this is why he's equally loved and hated?? Maybe 50% of people love his man child act and 50% want to kill him? I dunno either way I like the guy!

I will leave you with one thing though....

Vader Out!

Remake Or Not To Remake, That Is The Question

I'm sat here pondering, the eternal thought we all have.

Well maybe not all of us, but I know it's something I think about quite a lot, is a remake always a good thing?

Lately, for some unknown reason, Hollywood feels the need to give us something we've already seen, but shown in a new light. Ahh yes, there is also the brand new thing of "rebooting" a film to bring it to a new audience.

Does it work though, that's what I know you'd like to know so let's have a look at a few from the past 10 years or so and decide together, see here at Vader Towers I know you enjoy having to think, I mean why else would you keep coming back?

What I will point out is the fact that the majority of these reboots and remakes are actually of well loved horror films, which can make things even worse for geeks like me....Enough of this though, let's get to it!

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR

So here we go on our long (!!) ardours journey together, starting with the 1979 horror film, The Amityville Horror. Based on a "true" story (hmm yeah right, ok) it follows George and Kathy Lutz as they move into a new house. Normal so far isn't it?? Oh did I mention that said house was the scene of mass murder by a dude called Ronald DeFeo Jr, who thought it was all fine and dandy to slaughter 6 members of his family, what a lovely chap.

So yes, the Lutz's move in and last a grand total of 28 days before claiming they've been terrorised by unseen forces. RIGHT, first things first sure you just realised you couldn't actually afford the place?? How about the fact that 28 days is the usual stint in rehab isn't it? Maybe somebody had a drinking problem and forgot he'd been a bit of a dick towards his family?

Alright, alright maybe I'm being cynical as I don't believe shit like this but as it's a film and it's of the horror genre I shall leave my feelings at the door and carry on. 

Anyways, yes the family have some trouble with weird voices and the such and shit themselves and leave, which lets be honest if that happened to you and me we'd do the same thing.

One thing this has going for it is a brilliant performance by James Brolin. The longer the film goes on, the worse he starts looking due to lack of sleep, and numerous murderous thoughts and weird going ons. Here's the trailer for you to have a quick look at...

I don't know what's worse over that trailer? The dodgy piano music or the even dodgier voice over.

You get an idea of the film though and the trials and tribulations you get from living in a haunted house. What's more impressive is the fact that this one story somehow managed to produce 7 sequels!!! It's ok though, the Lutz's made some money out of the whole shebang so it's all good now....hmmm

This then leads us onto the remake from 2005

Ermm....right then 2005's The Amityville Horror.....errmmm ok. So same sort of story as the original but more of a basis on time (don't ask) and a mental preacher who killed native americans in the basement (ahh so that's why it's haunted...ok)

To say that this is shit would be a disservice to actual pieces of human excrement.

George Lutz in the original was just a normal guy, what do we get in this??

Yes Ladies, and this is for you, we get Ryan Reynolds looking like a fucking male supermodel, oh how life must have been so hard for these guys.

Here's the trailer for this....

What I do want you to do right now, is to go back to the poster for the remake and make it bigger if you can (Hey, I just write this shit!) and see if you can notice something at the top of the poster, a little line that should strike fear in your heart if you're a genuine horror fan....

"FROM MICHAEL BAY, THE PRODUCER OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE"

Oh yes, this is yet another abomination from Platinum Dunes, a production company created by Michael Bay, who specialise in horror films but mostly remakes of some real classics. Don't worry I'm sure over the course of this article we'll come across this company again....in fact....

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Now this is a bonafide classic in the horror genre. Following Leatherface (he's the big fuck off dude with the chainsaw in case you didn't know!) as he hacks and slashes his way through a group of complete fucking morons. When I say morons, I actually mean complete fucking brain dead idiots!!

We also meet Leatherface's family who are just as mental, hell they let the big man wear a dress to serve dinner....so not only is he a homicidal maniac wearing a mask made of leather (or possibly human skin, I dunno) and wielding a fucking chainsaw around like it's a shopping bag but he's a transvestite as well.....weird.

I wouldn't personally say it's a scary film if I'm honest, it's good but not great, it's funny but it's not supposed to be and so on and so forth, but I think you'd enjoy it if you like horror films and haven't yet seen it. Let's be honest though, if you're a horror fan and haven't seen it you must be weird.

What makes this more special though is the fact that it must have shit a fair few people up back in 1974 as it was actually banned here in the UK by the BBFC and only allowed a proper release in 1998!! Even more funnier if you do some research about it, is the fact that the director had hoped for a PG rating in the States, imagine how he must have felt when it came back to him rated as "X", which is pretty much a bad thing if you want to make some money from your picture!! After a few cuts, he managed to get the rating down to a "R". Some naughty cinema proprietors inserted the cut scenes back in and showed the film under the "R" rating, tut tut tut!!!

Have a look at the trailer....

If you notice from the trailer and the poster, they like to let you know that it's "BASED ON A TRUE STORY". Now not to ruin your fragile little minds if you believe this but....GASP, Leatherface never ever existed!! It's actually based upon a guy called Ed Gein who was a little "unhinged" shall we say. Killed,ate people and also had a liking to skin the bodies of women and wear them like an overcoat, nice guy though!!

So no matter what really happened in the film, after the fun and games of it being banned etc it's always going to live on in infamy and I'm kind of glad it does, as it signalled the start of some "proper" horror films.

Unlucky for us, the same name signalled the start of a scary trend in Hollywood as mentioned before..

Yes guys and gals, the 2003 remake of TCM was Platinum Dunes' first stab (guffaw) at the remake.

And.

It.

Sucked.

Yes, I saw this the day it came out as I was rocking the cinema uniform at the time and it would have been rude not to at least check it out. Jesus I wish I hadn't.... A little bit of advice for you though, if you want to see a horror film at the cinema, don't bother going on a Sunday night as that's when all the married couples who've palmed the kids off on Grandma go and it's pain in the arse and they seem to sell out more!

Same story really as the original so have to give them some credit for that I guess. Obviously there's going to be a few tweaks but it doesn't make it any better, it's shit. I know there will be fans of this over the original, probably 15 year olds who haven't seen a decent horror film before and believe this to be "scary", the fools!!!! They know nothing!!!

There is one redeeming feature for this though, and boys this is just for you...

Oh yes, obviously this isn't a still from the film like The Amityville Horror one and it's a bit bigger than the Ryan Reynolds one but I run this place and if I want to put up a picture like this for the male population, I bloody well will do!!!

Trailer time!!!

Back to where I was though, the original TCM spawned a few "questionable" sequels of which I don't want to even acknowledge if I can get away with it (TCM2 is pretty much a comedy....I'm not sure if it was intended to be that way either). Luckily for the world the remake only managed to spawn one sequel, which is just as bad and we haven't been subjected to anymore since 2006 so SCORE!!!!

I will warn you all, there is plans for another TCM film, this time a direct sequel to the original and to be shot in 3D!!!!!!!

Yeah, it will suck as well.


So there we have the first part of our look at remakes, I know you're thinking "Fuck, he doesn't post anything in months, then gives us 4 posts in such a short time, and he can't be bothered finishing this one in one sitting"...Well I will tell you now I actually started writing this bad boy over a year ago and thought I'd at least try and get it started and posted so be thankful!!!!

I do promise I will finish this soon as we've got quite a few remakes to still go through, with at least another 3 just to come from Platinum Dunes!!


So until next time....

VADER OUT!

I'm Going To Make You An Offer That You Can't Refuse....

Ok, so I know already that line isn't even uttered in the film we're going to be talking about today, but my theory was it was better to use that than to make some sort of shit pizza joke, no?

I know you all love my jokes, it's why you keep coming back but even so, I do have some standards (you wouldn't think so but...)

Where was I? See this is what happens, one minute you're talking about making crap jokes, the next you don't have a clue what you're doing and I'm far too lazy to even look 3" up the screen to see what I'd just wrote, times they are a changing. Oh ideas....how many song titles could I fit into one article?? Not doing it today as it would mean I have to think and I'm currently operating on about 3 hours of sleep which in turn makes it around 14 hours for the whole week (Damn you Oscars, damn you to hell!!!)

Damn!! I've gone and done it again, right let's start shall we???

GOODFELLAS

The reason for talking about such a classic film is.....well I watched it the other night and I didn't rightly know what else to talk about today, yeah it is one of those days!!!!

So let's talk about the story. We follow Ray Liotta (surprisingly he is the main character in this but looking at that poster you wouldn't think so would you?? Mind you, when you've got a legend like DeNiro in your film, you show that off, don't you?) who plays Henry Hill. Starting from when Hill is just a youngster, we follow him throughout his life, coming across various people and mobsters and joining the "gang" as such. This is where DeNiro and Pesci come in as Pesci plays Hill's best friend of sorts, Tommy DeVito. Jimmy Conway (DeNiro) finishes off our little ménage à trois as the trio of friends work hard to rise through the hierarchy of the mob. Tommy and Jimmy soon get ideas above their station and it's up to Henry to decide as to whether it's worth helping himself and his family or to keep his mouth shut for the sake of his friends and his life.

Of course there's a lot more going on as the film is just under 2 and a half hours long but I can promise you it's worth investing yourself fully. I will just add the film is directed by the legend, the master, my all time favourite director Martin Scorsese .

Want proof as to why he's just an amazing director?? Watch this bad boy....

 See what I mean?? Genius!!!

The most amazing thing about the whole film is when you find out it's actually based on a real story and Henry Hill is genuinely actually in Witness Protection in the States, although he does occasionally pop his head above the parapet.

Here we go as normal....a trailer just for you, not you though. I'm not sure I like you, but you other people, enjoy!


 

How amazing does it honestly look? See I know that's what you'd like, I know you people, well not really. I know the few people who I actually really know who read this, then there's the few I've spoke to but apart from that I don't actually know any of you. Talk about making things a little bit awkward between us......I still like you though. Well obviously apart from the one person I told earlier but even so we can still be friends....


My God, shh man just get onto rating the fucking film!!!


Yes, it's why you're here really. So Goodfellas I pronounce you the proud owner of

5 VADER WINKS!!!!

and instant

VADER CLASSIC!!!!!!

Well this was like drawing blood from a stone!!! Whether I keep posting on here now remains to be seen as I'm having so many problems using Blogger, it's officially becoming a piece of shit so I guess I'll be looking at some alternatives in the near future. I may, just may post up another piece today as I have nothing else to do.

Not that it means anything against you people as come on, you're my Vaderinos guys!!!! It's just, this time last year I was turning out articles left, right and centre and it was taking me about 10-20 minutes to get them up onto the site as it was that easy. Now with Blogger, well this is a short one let's be honest and it's taken me 45 minutes to write and arrange the poster and 2 videos as it was being fucking ridiculous!! But enough of me ranting and raving as it means nothing, keep your eyes peeled though people.

As always, love yourself and one anot....Ahhh fuck it, go out, get smashed and have a great night!

VADER OUT!




PS. I did mention the shit pizza joke so here it is.....

Told you it was shit!!!! So's the pizza though....oooh sick burn!