Seriously I get moaned at for not doing anything for awhile so be thankful!!
Ahh you know I love you really! So let's knock this horror remake piece right out of the park shall we??
First things first though guys, do have a look back at the first part here, as if you haven't seen it then this will seem preeeeeeeety weird. Not really as you aint stupid but even so have a look and get caught up (there is 2 parts in between this and that, but it's mostly just information in them so it's up to you if you want to read them!).
Here.....
We.......
Go........
THE HITCHER
1986 was the year. Just like in 1975 when Jaws made you not want to go back into the water, The Hitcher made you not want to pickup somebody stood at the roadside.
Right seriously though, why would you even dream of picking up someone?? "Oh I'm lonely, I know what to do!! I'll just pick up that rather lovely looking man holding the severed head and a sign wrote on a piece of cardboard with someones blood as ink, it's ok though, he's going the same place I am. Hopefully we can share the driving and maybe play I-Spy!".
No, No, NO!!! You just wouldn't fucking do this in the real world would you? Luckily this is movie land, and anything goes!
Following a complete moron called Jim who decides to pick up said Hitcher, Hitcher decides to let Jim know that he murdered the people who were in the stranded car they've just passed. The film then turns into a bloody game of cat and mouse.
I won't lie, it's a fun film this one and like I did say, you would question why you would ever pick up some random on the side of the road. And seriously how fucking scary is Rutger Hauer?
Trailer time....
No, No, NO!!! You just wouldn't fucking do this in the real world would you? Luckily this is movie land, and anything goes!
Following a complete moron called Jim who decides to pick up said Hitcher, Hitcher decides to let Jim know that he murdered the people who were in the stranded car they've just passed. The film then turns into a bloody game of cat and mouse.
I won't lie, it's a fun film this one and like I did say, you would question why you would ever pick up some random on the side of the road. And seriously how fucking scary is Rutger Hauer?
Trailer time....
Of course a popular horror film these days can't just be consigned to history can it??
Oh no, it can't....
Then there's the film....
Oh man, it sucks! I mean really, sort of like a 75 year old hooker with false teeth that she takes out for an extra £10!! Yes, that much, oh and I'm sorry about the mental image you no doubt have there!!
As they're "kinda wacky" at Platinum Dunes, they decided to change things up a little bit, yes guys they change the main character into a woman. Now I'm all for equal opportunities but the whole point of the original was it was man vs. man. No we're treated to man vs. screamy woman and an attempted rape.
I'm all for horror films being about the woman up against long odds and some scary guy but in those films you don't get the bad guy trying to give her one even when she says no do you?
Have a look then....
More shocking to me is the fact that some people rave about this......oh no.
Next then...a classic in the horror genre and a personal favourite of mine...
FRIDAY THE 13th
Oh yes, now we're talking! I'll be honest, the previous films we've spoke about I haven't been a big fan of the original, let alone the remake. This though, I'm a massive fan, I love how "scary" it is, how corny it is and just how plain stupid it can be but do you know what?? I wouldn't change it for the world.
Released in 1980 intending to cash in on Halloween (I won't even acknowledge the remake of this!) Friday The 13th took off and morphed into it's own monster. You show anybody a white hockey mask and I can promise you they'll say "Jason!" Comics, TV Shows, 10 films (11 if you include the crossover Freddy Vs. Jason), CD's, Computer Games, fuck even a board game for us in Blighty!! This thing got huge and quickly, not loved by the critics at all but who cares??
Here's the thing though, Friday The 13th didn't even star our "hero" Oh no, Jason didn't come to the forefront until Friday The 13th Part 2, this was all about his mother, Mrs.Voorhees!!
Yes sweet little old Mrs.Voorhees doesn't forget a grudge as the whole point of the film is her trying to avenge the death of her sweet little Jason. Poor little mutant looking bastard drowned at Camp and she took it upon herself to kill the 2 people she held accountable as they were too busy going at it! One problem then arises when some inconsiderate bastards decide to re open the Camp, and psycho bitch isn't happy about this and takes them all out one by one. Oh and Kevin Bacon is one of them haha!
Have a looksie....
Released in 1980 intending to cash in on Halloween (I won't even acknowledge the remake of this!) Friday The 13th took off and morphed into it's own monster. You show anybody a white hockey mask and I can promise you they'll say "Jason!" Comics, TV Shows, 10 films (11 if you include the crossover Freddy Vs. Jason), CD's, Computer Games, fuck even a board game for us in Blighty!! This thing got huge and quickly, not loved by the critics at all but who cares??
Here's the thing though, Friday The 13th didn't even star our "hero" Oh no, Jason didn't come to the forefront until Friday The 13th Part 2, this was all about his mother, Mrs.Voorhees!!
Yes sweet little old Mrs.Voorhees doesn't forget a grudge as the whole point of the film is her trying to avenge the death of her sweet little Jason. Poor little mutant looking bastard drowned at Camp and she took it upon herself to kill the 2 people she held accountable as they were too busy going at it! One problem then arises when some inconsiderate bastards decide to re open the Camp, and psycho bitch isn't happy about this and takes them all out one by one. Oh and Kevin Bacon is one of them haha!
Have a looksie....
Right I realise now after reading, that I may have just ruined the film for you, tough shit really!! If you didn't know that happened then I'm ashamed of you and request you go and hang your head in shame in the corner of the room, go on, GO!
For the rest of you that have stayed, how cool is trailer voice over guy in that hey??
Let's move on to.....the "reboot" as they officially called it
Then there's the film.
Originally slated to be an "origin" story, the writers soon realised if it was an origin they couldn't have the cash cow himself involved. So they quickly mashed up the first 4 films and spat this out.
Starting with Jason actually seeing what became of his mother at the end of the original film (which remember never existed) we are fast forwarded 30 years to see Jason start killing people and kidnapping one poor lass as she looked like his Mum when she was younger....weird. Jason of course starts killing more people and yadda yadda yadda...
Trailer....
So ermm yes. I'm not sure what to say to you now.
I will let you see this though...
Told you he looked like a mutant didn't I? Did you believe me? Well I hope so, my isn't he dreamy?
I know thought if we're talking about the man you want to see him in all his overalled, hockey mask wearing goodness so here you go!
Right then I've been putting this part off... The final horror film in our look at remakes and reboots and this one riles me up more than anything else.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Yes guys, ANOES (as it shall there forth be known!) is a classic. Easily one of my favourite horror film it has everything you need.
It's scary, it's funny, it's gory, it created a true icon.
Oh yes we spoke about how Jason became a star but he pales in comparison to what Freddy became. He's a legitimate pop culture icon. You name it and Freddy's face has probably been plastered on it at one time or another!!
Back in 1984 ,following poor Nancy, a girl who has started suffering from dreams involving a boiler room, a badly burnt man who is rocking a razor sharp glove. Her friend had the same dream but in hers this guy catches her and slashes at her, luckily for her she wakes up at the right moment to find her nightie has four slashes across them. Nancy proclaims everything is ok and tries to get on with stuff. Problem is Nancy's friend dies as her boyfriend looks on and sees slashes appearing on her body as if out of thin air. Nancy soon realises that it must be the man from her dreams. Scared she refuses to sleep and does everything to stay awake but it becomes a waste of time as she is soon drawn into a battle with the man who is now known as FREDDY KRUEGER!
We are given a back story that Freddy was actually a child killer who lived on Elm St. back when Nancy and her friends were kids. Freddy is let off on a technicality by the police so the vengeful parents of Elm St. track him down to his boiler room hideout (which explains why he's there in the dreams) and they set fire to it with him inside. now of course as the film series progressed this was fleshed out more (Check out Freddy's Dead : The Final nightmare as it's explained pretty well and also explains how he came back)
Oh yes we spoke about how Jason became a star but he pales in comparison to what Freddy became. He's a legitimate pop culture icon. You name it and Freddy's face has probably been plastered on it at one time or another!!
Back in 1984 ,following poor Nancy, a girl who has started suffering from dreams involving a boiler room, a badly burnt man who is rocking a razor sharp glove. Her friend had the same dream but in hers this guy catches her and slashes at her, luckily for her she wakes up at the right moment to find her nightie has four slashes across them. Nancy proclaims everything is ok and tries to get on with stuff. Problem is Nancy's friend dies as her boyfriend looks on and sees slashes appearing on her body as if out of thin air. Nancy soon realises that it must be the man from her dreams. Scared she refuses to sleep and does everything to stay awake but it becomes a waste of time as she is soon drawn into a battle with the man who is now known as FREDDY KRUEGER!
We are given a back story that Freddy was actually a child killer who lived on Elm St. back when Nancy and her friends were kids. Freddy is let off on a technicality by the police so the vengeful parents of Elm St. track him down to his boiler room hideout (which explains why he's there in the dreams) and they set fire to it with him inside. now of course as the film series progressed this was fleshed out more (Check out Freddy's Dead : The Final nightmare as it's explained pretty well and also explains how he came back)
Freddy who, let's be honest is pretty pissed off, decides to come back to kill the kids of Elm St. he didn't get chance to first time round as well as get revenge on the parents who killed him. This is also linked in to the rest of the series so don't worry you'll understand what's happening.
Have a gander...
Have a gander...
Oh I didn't mention that this was pretty much Johnny Depp's first movie
role (pretty iconic as well once you watch it), he also turns up as
himself in Freddy's Dead which is fun!
As the film series progressed, the producers, directors and writers soon realised that Freddy was the reason people came to watch the films and played on that. It wasn't about seeing the teenagers survive, it was all about see how Freddy would kill them and his one liners (WELCOME TO PRIME TIME BITCH!).
Of course nothing good lasts forever does it?? Of course not, so in 2010 we got this
As the film series progressed, the producers, directors and writers soon realised that Freddy was the reason people came to watch the films and played on that. It wasn't about seeing the teenagers survive, it was all about see how Freddy would kill them and his one liners (WELCOME TO PRIME TIME BITCH!).
Of course nothing good lasts forever does it?? Of course not, so in 2010 we got this
Right let's be honest, why the fuck does Freddy look like a fucking alien?? Seriously guys come on!
Secondly this was really shit. It was like God had decided one day to just shit on everything and say "There you go, that's better"....it really isn't.
Where do I start?? No really, where??
Ok how about the fact they changed Freddy from being a funny child killer (yes I know that's not good but this is a movie, it isn't real) into a sadistic paedophile after the girl he loved when she was a kid and he couldn't have his way with her.
WHAT. THE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK??!?!?!?!?!?!?
Yep seriously.....
I'm not going to sully this site even discussing this abomination anymore, they even tried to replicate the iconic twist at the end of the original, and made it look shit.
I don't want you to but here's the trailer for you to watch.
In fact after rewatching the trailer it's more apparent to me that all they wanted to do was take the iconic set pieces from the original and redo them so the kids of today can see it and go "wow that's like soooooo cool"
Yeah I'm feeling rather ashamed now, not for me guys but for them. We've just got to pray they go out of business so we don't have to suffer anymore.
I mean come on, this isn't Freddy...
No way....this IS Freddy....
See he's even smiling for you. Right I know the first one is a picture of a toy but the film is that dark you can't see him properly add in they didn't release anything promotional wise that you could see him properly. I mean Freddy was mostly in the dark in the original but that was due to the budget. Fuck in the remake they used CGI as well as prosthetics to make Freddy look like that.
I know what I'd rather have spent my money on. Add in the Robert Englund IS Freddy Krueger, it didn't matter how Jackie Earle Haley played it, he would never be Freddy, end of.
I'm not saying I'm a big Freddy fan but I actually have a signed picture of Englund in full Freddy make up and it's a prized possession. I am a geek.
So there we have it a look at the main horror remakes of the past 10 years or so, all done by Platinum Dunes. A Few classic films ruined due to people not understanding that golden rule.
If it aint broke, don't fix it.
Until next time.
Vader Out!
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