Monday, 31 January 2011

Comic. Book. Film?? Put it back on the rack and walk away.....Slowly...PART 1

You'll probably know (I'm pretty sure I told you), I'm a massive fan of Comic Book films. What can I say? I haven't grown up yet, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be starting soon. There's many classics out there (Superman, Spider-Man, X Men), but there's a hell of a lot of shit ones, and guess what kiddies we're talking about them right now!!!


Oh Jesus, where to begin, I know, the beginning!! So, Spawn was created by Todd McFarlane back in 1992 after McFarlane left Marvel to set up his own comic. McFarlane helped to, or created as to who you listen too, Venom. Spawn was once upon a time Al Simmons, a CIA operative murdered by his boss, and whilst in Hell offered the chance to gain vengeance by leading the devils army of Hellspawn...still with me? Blah Blah Blah, anyways, due to this creation McFarlane has made a great living by creating such a fantastic character, so primed for a fantastic movie adaptation yes??


Oh my lord where do I start? The dodgy CGI? The terrible acting? The seriously shameful dialogue? Let's study all 3 shall we, after you burn your eyes with the trailer of course......

Man, where you want me to start? CGI it is then. Look how Spawn falls through that I dunno either. Stand in awe as those chains thrust at the screen like a horny 17 year old after his first alcohol session. And the cape.....oh god the cape. This might not be anything to do with the CGI but also check out the shitty religious undertone with Spawn seemingly crucified upon a gate....

Then there's the acting, damn Martin Sheen, it took him years to regain any cred after some of his film choices, this being one of his best, ok sorry worst choices and he's been in some shit! And that god it''s JOHN LEGUIZAMO. You know John Leguizamo don't you? No?? Are you sure?? Come on, this guy...
Recognize him? He was in Romeo and Juliet? Ohhhhhh wait a minute you'll know him cos his annoying voice is in the Ice Age trilogy. Oh and he was in The Happening as well, you guys must remember that one, you know with the killer plants? No? ahh well he plays this guy in Spawn.

MMM sexy huh?

Ahh yes my favourite part of this whole thing, the dialogue. how can you not adore a film with such tasty lines as, are you ready for this?? Honestly??

“Get away from me, you fudge packing midget!”

I rest my case your honour, I rest my case.....


Ahh Batman, trusty Dark Knight can you do no wrong? Oh wait, yes you can with this pile of steaming crap. The film looked promising, what with Robin being introduced pretty well in the previous installment and Arnie coming in as a villain, what is there not to love? Well this for starters
Where's the air of mystery? Let's just throw out that Alicia Silverstone becomes Batgirl. Let's show Arnie as Freeze and Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy.....Marketing Guys 1 General Public 0!!! Oh and there is the fact it's acted like this.

I'll be honest, there isn't much more that I can add to this....oh yes I can.....

They put NIPPLES on the batsuit, yes NIPPLES!!!!!!!!

That's all for tonight, but don't worry this will be finished soon enough....

In the way of the comic book films.....

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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